The Context Machine

People who are buying online have grown dramatically over the last few years. Consumers purchase a variety of different products, and with the trend as it is; elderly people are becoming more confident to pay for their products online as they understand money can be saved in comparison to prices in high street shops.

As any business would know, it is important to keep up to date with current market prices so products can remain competitive. The Help the Aged website seem to be selling mobility scooters at more than double the price of other online vendors. So why are the prices of the mobility scooters on the Help the Aged website so expensive?

The Help the Aged website have a section where people can come and ask questions and post answers to other peoples threads. One person challenged Help the Aged on how they justify their prices considering there are similar websites selling the same product and offering a similar service at half the price.

Peter Olsson: Help the Aged E -Commerce Marketing Manager, replied and said that Help the Aged started selling mobility scooters in February 2004 to counter act against the common “Unethical Sales Practices” of other sellers in the industry. Peter Olsson suggests that his own research shows that the prices Help the Aged sell their mobility scooters at are infact, “very competitive”. Mr Olsson states that he is aware, rock bottom rates are advertised in tabloids and other media. However, he encourages in his reply to remember “there’s a wide range of specifications available on the market so people get what they pay for”. He uses an example stating that some are sold as new although they have been refurbished.

Mr Olsson said Help the Aged would advise anyone only to deal with “Reputable vendors” in order to avoid deceptive sales tactics to prevent a disappointing purchase. “If something sounds too cheap to be true, it usually is.” Although we could agree with this statement in general, in some cases this may not be correct. So, are we understand from Mr Olsson, that the Help the Aged website is a reputable vendor to purchase Mobility Scooters but to be aware of commercial websites offering mobility scooters at cheaper prices?

Companies such as Factory Outlet Scooters, www.factoryoutletscooters.co.uk sell brand new mobility scooters at low cost prices. Are we to believe that this company is not reputable because their scooters are sold at, in some cases, half the price of Help the Aged? I don’t believe so.

In response to Mr Olsson, a gentleman posted a reply. He said he himself had worked in the industry selling mobility products for the last 15 years, and that he was “Very amused, yet saddened” at the reply Mr Olsson offered. He did not think it was appropriate for a well known charity to be involved in this commercial enterprise which by its inference gives backing to an associate company selling items for high prices which may lead a potential customer away from a competitor selling the same product at half the price. He agrees with Mr Olsson that there are bad companies around and added that they sell scooters and other aids at inflated prices, and suggests the role of Help the Aged as a charity should be to educate and guide the elderly to the best buys, the best prices and companies who are ethical.

The Office of Fair Trading have currently launched a campaign to help consumers, such as the elderly, to fend off doorstop sellers who are selling high price items, such as mobility scooters and mobility products, to deal with high-pressure sales tactics. The campaign is backed by a number of groups, including Help the Aged.

Help the Aged have their heart in the right place, and we know they do a lot of good work for the elderly, but in this case, they possibly need to be more aware of realistic prices that the elderly can make their purchases online and perhaps recognise genuine services offered by other online companies in the market industry.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Nicola Bullimore has been working with people to resolve personal debt problems for some years. For more information, please visit, www.debtquestions.co.uk

My friends think that what I do is easy. They think that writing about events and offering reasoned commentary is something that anyone can do. And believe me, they try. Little do they realize that what I do, again offering reasoned commentary, is actually harder than it looks!

Yes, I know that there are many political hacks on the left out there that think what I write about is absolute gibberish and that my commentary is not at all reasoned but hey its their prerogative to be wrong. After all, if they were right I wouldn’t have the nice little revenue stream generated talking about their psychobabble that I have.

So I was approached by a friend of mine who said to me “I want to write an article for your site that is going to solve the immigration problem!”

My interest was piqued. But I was wary since right off the bat he framed the argument incorrectly calling it an “immigration problem” and not an “illegal immigration problem”. After all, I know how to solve the “illegal” immigration problem. Simply enforce the border and deport the criminals caught coming here illegally.

“Do tell,” I prompted knowing full well that the “plan” that he was about to divulge was bound to be more complicated than necessary.

“It’s simple,” he said, “we need to make Mexico the 51st St…”

I didn’t even let him get the word “State” out before I stopped him. I’ve already heard this argument and it is a terrible one. But the two of us had a discussion that made him realize that what I do is not as easy as simply saying the first thing that comes into my mind and calling it a good idea.

The plan was that if we made Mexico the 51st State then we could accomplish several things. First, take control of Mexico and “modernize” the country. Secondly, and most “brilliantly” eliminate the U.S. Mexico border all together thus removing the need to secure it. Third, reduce the size of the United States southern border to about 200 miles because it would now border Guatemala instead. Fourth, give the United States more domestic oil since we already get so much from Mexico as it is.

Walla! That was the plan!

Certainly much more complicated than say, enforcing the border and deporting the illegals! In case you could not tell that was meant sarcastically.

I say one thing to this plan. No way Jose!

First of all Mexico would never go for it. There is far too much political power that would be given up by Mexican politicians.

Second of all there is far too much corruption in Mexico. You think Chicago on Election Day is corrupt? Ha! Check out Mexican politics!

Third, I know this sounds like a good idea to people that have visited the resort towns in Mexico but if you have gone off the beaten path and ever seen the real poverty that is rampant in Mexico you would think twice about it. Even giving the socialists here in America and their Democratic dupes that many automatic new additions to the welfare roles would be insane! Talk about ending any chance we have about turning our sinking ship around.

And who will pay for all those new mouths that need the social spending that has become entwined in our society? You, me and every other American with a good job that’s who.

Fourthly, do you really think the environmental wackos here in the States would let us keep drilling for oil in our new State? You’ve got to be dreaming! We have a hard enough time drilling in Alaska!

And lastly yeah, Mexico is poor but Guatemala is even poorer. The last thing we need is to put a country worse than Mexico on our southern border. Trading one problem for another doesn’t make you any headway.

After explaining this to my now awestruck friend who had just been hit with several sledgehammers to his plan that he hadn’t even considered he agreed that my original plan was much better, simpler and effective. And he also agreed that what I do is certainly not something that any average Joe like him could do.

So it’s a good thing that I am here and it’s a darn good thing I am up to the task.

J.J. Jackson is the owner and Lead Editor of American Conservative Politics - The Land of the Free (http://www.thelandofthefree.net) and American Conservative Daily (http://www.americanconservativedaily.com). He is also the owner of American Infidel T-shirts (http://www.cafepress.com/americaneagle04).

I once had a slightly tipsy singer approach me at a show and ask in all seriousness how I could possibly be such an accomplished Blues singer since I have never been an alcoholic and had never taken drugs. Though my shows often turn into Mr. Kool’s House of Blues, I had to explain that substance abuse is not what the Blues is about. I will expand upon that scenario to lay bare the true facts on how to sing the Blues.

The literature of lyrics on the development of Blues may help explain some of the prerequisites for, and the importance of Blues to the development of popular music. According to legend, a famous philosopher (and Rock star) Richard Starkey wrote, “You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the Blues, and you know it don’t come Easy”. Yes this does indicate that the Blues finds its beginnings in hardship and deprivation.

The Blues musical style was the spawning ground for much of Modern music. The great commentator and Blues singer Muddy Waters wrote, “The Blues had a baby, they named the baby Rock and Roll”. Rock got it’s start in the Blues style of the 50’s. Many famous Rock artists such as Elvis, the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin all started out doing Blues. The term R&B originally stood for “Rhythm and Blues”, not “Rap and Bad-lyrics” as it does today.

You don’t have to write Blues songs in Ebonics, but it helps. With that as our opening thought, let me s’plain how you too can be “singin’ the Blues”. Most Blues begin with: “Woke up this morning…..”. Something happy like: “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something depressing in the line like, “I got a good woman but she got PMS”. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes….sort of.

“Got a good woman but she got PMS”.

“Yea, got a good woman but she got PMS”.

“When she gets mean,

she scares me half to death”.

The Blues is not about choice. “You stuck in a ditch… you stuck in a ditch… ain’t no way out… better love that bitch.”

Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken down pickup trucks. Blues don’t travel in BMW’s or Sport Utility Vehicles. Often Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company cars ain’t even in the running. But walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you “shot a man in Memphis”. Memphis by the way is the birthplace of the Blues. Ain’t nothin’ closer to Blues then “Walking in Memphis”.

Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just seasonal depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Memphis, New Orleans and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain. And we all know, “it never rains in Southern California”.

A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues, you got to be completely bald. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg ’cause you went skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg ’cause an alligator chomped on it is.

You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. Good places for the Blues: Karaoke bar, Highway, Jailhouse, empty bed, bottom of a whiskey bottle. Bad places for the Blues: Nordstrom’s, gallery openings, Ivy League Institutions, Golf courses.

No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it… for two weeks. Best clothes for the blues is torn overalls, or a prison uniform. And of course you should be wearing a Kool Blues hat. Blues instruments are Harmonica, Blues Guitar and Saxophone. A Xylophone, Chimes and Violin won’t cut it.

Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: You older than dirt, You blind, You “shot a man in Memphis”, You “can’t get no satisfaction”, You a “Back Door Man”, You named your guitar after your ex-wife who left you for your best friend. No, if: You have all your teeth, You “once was blind but now can see”, The man in Memphis lived, You have a 401K or trust fund.

Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues. If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you poison, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: Ripple, Whiskey or Bourbon, Muddy Water, nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: Perrier, Chardonnay, Snapple, Slim Fast or Diet Coke.

If death occurs in a cheap motel or a “rundown shack by a railroad track”, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse (but it’s not a requirement), and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

Some Blues names for women: Sadie, Hanna, Big Mama, Bessie, Fat Bottom Dumpling, and Caldonia. Some Blues names for men: Joe, Willie, Joe-Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie, Muddy, and Leroy. People with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke, Brittany and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

If you want to sing the blues you need a good Blues singers name. You may adopt one. First take the name of a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) Then add the name of a fruit (Lemon, Melon, Cherry, Tomato etc. Yes tomato is a fruit, and a health food to boot). Then tack on the last name of a President (Johnson, Jefferson, Bush, etc.) For example: Blind Melon Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson, Killer Tomato Bush, etc. (maybe Horny Cactus Clinton?).

Now that you are dully indoctrinated into the fine art of Blues singing, here is a little Blues tune to practice on:

“I got a woman never could be true”

“I got a woman she never could be true”

“plays jokes on me,

then hollers APRIL FOOL”.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

DJ Kool Karl has been a Disc Jockey and KJ for over ten years. His articles have been published in Karaoke magazines and on various internet disc jockey sites. He can be found DJ-ing at clubs and private parties around Orange County California. To get your own Kool Karl articles, DJ/KJ shows, parties or special events call 714-544-2614

Email: Karaoke@TheOffice.net

Or check out:

http://home.earthlink.net/~karyll/karaoke/

http://www.wedding-dj-in-orange-county.com/

NOT only does our technical knowledge help, but also presence of mind and the right answer at the right time. Even if you don’t know the answer for a question, just confuse the questioner.

These are questions and the answers given by candidates. All of them are IAS (Indian Administrative Service) officers now.

1Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

2Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all. It is already built.

3Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.

4Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

5Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No problem. He sleeps at night.

6Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
A. It will become wet or it will sink - as simple as that.

7Q. What looks like a half apple?
A: The other half.

8Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A: Dinner.

9Q. What happened when wheel was invented?
A: It caused a revolution.

10Q.Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A: Liquid.

Hope you enjoyed these tips, for more articles related to interview and jokes
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here you can find links to calicut university and Calicut yellowpages.

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?

A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can’t understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie”?

A: It comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.

Q: What’s the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

Q: What’s the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?

A: At least accountants know they’re boring.

Stories:

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.”

3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears
someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, “I demand one million and not a penny less.” As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, “I’m here to hook up your phone.”

And finally:

You Might Be A Lawyer If…. You are charging someone to read these jokes.

Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.

Remember last week’s column when I talked about that annoying little habit women have of wanting to eat food off a man’s plate when they’re out with one of us at a restaurant? Well, I had a certain lady write me an email in response, and she told me that she somewhat agreed with me re what I was saying, but, added that it really didn’t matter too much as, “…getting upset about us eating food off a man’s plate is strictly a guy’s thing. It’s no big deal to us.”

A guy’s thing. I’ve heard that terminology since back in high school when I first started dating. What it refers to is the fact that there are just some things that men like that women don’t. Those little things that separate the sexes, and make them what they are. And, after thinking for a good twenty seconds, I’m gonna be kind enough to list what some of the major “guy’s things” are:

1. The Three Stooges - For some unknown reason, guys love the Stooges and women don’t. What’s not to love? They exhibited some of the greatest physical comedy ever, and some of their sayings were priceless. Remember some of these routines:

Curly: “Whatja say?”

Moe: *gives Curly a two-finger eye poke*

Curly: “That’s what I thought ya said.”

Or:

Shemp: (Looking into a mirror) “There I yam - and as pretty as a picture.”

Moe: “Yeah. Of an ape.” (Then slaps Shemp hard).

Isn’t that great? I’ll bet lots of you guys out there are laughing out loud. On the other hand, I’ll bet that most of you ladies are saying, “I just don’t get it, I never thought the Stooges were all that funny.” This is a great first example of a “guy’s thing.” But there’s plenty more.

2. Mountain Dew - Diet Mountain Dew is my favorite soft drink in the world. I love its mellow, citrus based taste, and it has more caffeine in it than any other soft drink. But, what I’ve discovered is, try offering one to a woman. For some unknown reason, experience has taught me that eight out of ten women will turn a Mountain Dew down, saying, “I just don’t like it.” What’s not to like? It tastes good, keeps you awake, and it looks the same leaving your body as when it went in. A totally useful product.

3. Burping loudly - I’m not going to say anything else here or I’ll get in trouble, but just suffice it to say that most men get a big kick out of this, and all women despise it. No one ever said that Mother Nature is always pretty, you know.

4. Hating ties - Any man that has a testosterone count higher than Liberace hates neck ties. Absolutely despises them. They had to be invented by a fervent man-hater - the problem is, women love for you to wear one just as badly as you hate doing so. I’d rather spend a Saturday poisoning wasp nests than to wear a neck tie to a formal social function. Unfortunately, the women in our lives can give you pretty convincing reasons to wear one, so, we have to do it. But it still stinks like a dead frog in the hot sun, though.

5. Not wanting to use strange toilets - For some reason, women can go into a restroom in a restaurant, gas station, or other public facility and use it without hesitation. Conversely, most men hate using a strange toilet. For us, images of mutant bacteria that could eat whole cows alive live on those toilet seats. I’ve even resisted going to the bathroom instead of being forced to use a strange one. Honestly, I think most of you ladies out there need to rethink this one.

And there you have it. Some of the most well known “guy’s things” there are. Probably, if I’m guessing right, I’d say that some of you ladies out there might want equal time, maybe a future column about “gal’s things.” The only thing is, I’m not biologically qualified to write it. My suggestion would be to contact my good friend, columnist Amy Eason (www.amy-eason.com). Tell her I wrote a column about guy’s things, and that you think a response is in order. That’ll get her back up enough that I’ll guarantee you she’ll produce a wonderful, women friendly masterpiece for all you ladies…

How do you persuade someone to do what you want them to do?
A whole world of marketing exists around us trying to do that every minute of the day. Do you even notice it anymore or, like your prospects, have you subconsciously set up a system of “radar defenses” against the daily bombardment of marketing messages?
Take a minute and count up the advertising methods which fight, for your attention (and money) every day. Just the basic list includes:

Yellow page ads

Newspaper and magazine ads

Postcards, catalogs, and direct mail circulars in your
“snail mail” box

Radio pitches interrupting the flow of your favorite songs

TV ads - about 20 minutes worth per hour now

Hundreds of storefronts, “mega” malls, and strip malls

Highway billboards by the thousands

Circulars hung on your doorknob

Illegal signs on stop signs and telephone poles

Legitimate email messages

Spam email or UCE (unsolicited commercial email)

Just these 11 sources can overwhelm your brain with
marketing messages. Like trapped rats, people develop
defenses against this never-ending onslaught. They throw up
a wall or a “radar defense” that goes into action the minute
they smell a “pitch” or a sales job. Don’t blame them. We
all do it!

So how can you get around this psychological wall against
the constant sales and marketing messages? Well, the answer
does NOT lie in hitting people with more frequent and
obnoxious advertising or sly, sneaky tactics. You might get
them to trust you for a minute, but it will backfire in the
long run.

You must do two things instead:

1. First, you must establish credibility for yourself and
your business as an expert.

2. Second, you must reduce their fears about doing business
with you.

Doing these two things will get you past their defenses and
allow you the opportunity to persuade them to buy your
product.

So how do you accomplish these two “simple” things? What
will win someone’s attention, raise your credibility, and
lower their fear factor all at the same time? The one-word
answer really applies to most everyone.

Trust!

If a seller can get behind your defenses with information
which makes you trust them, then that credibility will carry
over into a sale much of the time.

How can you get this credibility?

Well, take this next fact as online marketing “gospel,” for
many people have proven its effectiveness.

Fact: Publishing and promoting with free articles gives you
one of the most powerful opportunities available to tip the
buyer’s credibility scale in your favor.

How can we prove this works? Quite easily actually. Take a
break from reading this and go check out a newspaper or
magazine for a minute.

Which do you trust more, the ads or the articles? Most
people will choose the articles hands down. Why? Because
the articles don’t try to “sell” you anything. Instead, they
hand out useful information for educational or other
practical purposes.

Most of us grew up in a culture which says we can believe
and “trust” what appears in the standard “news” or
“information” format. In other words, if it appears in
print, then we can believe and trust the author.

So go ahead! Use this lifetime of conditioning to your
advantage in selling your products and services!

Very few things will create an atmosphere of trust and
confidence in people as reading one of your articles on a
subject that greatly interests them. It shows you know your
business. It also demonstrates you will do more than just
try to sell them something.

Publishing articles literally lets you fly under their
advertising “radar defenses.”

So remember these points when deciding whether or not to use
articles to promote your business:

1. Few things create as much trust and confidence in the
minds of potential customers as reading an article you wrote
on a subject which specifically and intensely interests
them.

2. Articles establish credibility quickly because, right or
wrong, we’ve all been trained to trust the “news.”

3. An article, or series of articles, will differentiate you
from the competition, who bombard people with nothing but
sales messages.

4. Providing content-rich, non-sales-oriented articles will
also help build and solidify your relationship with existing
customers so they give you repeat business. Need MORE TRAFFIC to your website or affiliate links? “Turn Words Into Traffic” reveals the secrets for using FREE articles to drive Thousands of NEW visitors to your website or affiliate links… without spending a dime on advertising! Click Here>
http://the-easy-way.com/traffic.html

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jim Edwards is a syndicated newspaper columnist and the co-author of an amazing new ebook, “Turn Words Into Traffic,” that will teach you how to use free articles to quickly drive thousands of targeted visitors to your website or affiliate link!
Click Here >
http://the-easy-way.com/traffic.html

I always know when April makes its yearly debut without consulting the calendar because my wife usually says, “Let’s clean out the garage today.” Trust me on this one, it is no April fool’s joke, but someone gets fooled. And believe me, I’m just not anybody’s fool. I’m my wife’s fool.

Somehow, her “let’s” has a funny singular ring to it and we had, if I remember correctly, a double ring wedding ceremony. Hers is on her left ring finger while mine somehow ended up in my nose.

For some reason spring brings to women, wives in particular, an uncontrollable urge to clean something. It doesn’t matter what that something is, it has to be cleaned. Moreover, it does not matter how clean or dirty that something is or when it was last cleaned, it must be cleaned again.

This represents a basic philosophical difference between men and women. In the beginning, man was perfectly at home with dirt, then along came Eve and introduced spring-cleaning.

We have no idea how long it was between Adam and the time Eve came onto the scene, but it was long enough to get the entire Garden of Eden dirty, necessitating a thorough cleaning.

Thus began the yearly ritual known as spring-cleaning. This tradition has been handed down from mother to daughter since the beginning of time. As far as I can ascertain, no father on record has handed down to his son any way of putting a stop to this nonsense. And don’t think I’m not just a little upset about that.

I think our forefathers could have found a fifth father to help come up with a workable plan to get rid of this yearly onus.

But, it is spring and the time-honored ritual has come to our domestic den. Spring is in the air and spring-cleaning is on the agenda. I, on the other hand, had other plans, which did not include soap and water. So much for my plans. A husband’s plan is always subject to his wife’s rescheduling.

Every year I asked the same question. How in the world does spring get so dirty? And, more important, why do I have to clean it? I didn’t mess it up.

I believe Mother Nature ought to clean her own spring and not push this responsibility onto husbands like me who have better things to do with their time.

One year I got confused and cleaned my spring in the fall, which screwed up my whole winter wondering what I would do when spring actually arrived and it was already cleaned.

Spring-cleaning would not be so bad if I could use my definition of clean rather than my wife’s. One man’s clean is his wife’s “when are you going to clean that?”

At the least, it would be helpful if spring-cleaning only came on leap year, which would give me an opportunity to hop out of the way before my good wife could spring into action.

In our house, the annual spring cleaning focuses on the garage. When my wife gets it into her head to clean the garage, I get it into my head to get clean out of her way. In the scheme of things, how important is a clean garage anyway? It’s not as if Martha Stewart is going to make a surprise visit.

As a veteran husband (with the scars to prove it), I have discovered one thing in my house. Behold, a greater than Martha Stewart lives at my lodgings.

My philosophy is simply, a dirty garage is a happy garage. It just doesn’t make my wife happy and when she’s not happy neither am I so I am willing to live with an unhappy garage. These are the compromises enabling husbands to survive generation after generation. At least, enabling this husband to survive spring-cleaning one more year.

I have no idea what my garage does during the winter to get so dirty, but I wish it would stop it, or at least clean up after itself and not cause me so much grief.

When the idea of spring-cleaning comes up, I take one gander at the object of the endeavor and try to duck out as quickly as possible. I usually run into my wife standing at the door and realize my goose is cooked, usually to a nice golden burnt.

My idea of cleaning the garage is opening the garage door and the back door and let nature take its course. However, when I suggest this, an ill wind blows my way, if you know what I mean.

Garage cleaning invariably leads to garage sales. Garage sales are amazing.

Instead of donating my worthless junk to the neighborhood dump, I sell it to my neighbors, who will put it in their garage sale next year. This keeps neighborhood junk in circulation for years, and then some antique dealer buys it and starts the whole cycle again in New York City.

One man’s junk is another man’s antique.

My wife insists cleanliness is next to godliness. If that is so, why did God create so much dirt?

God is also in the cleaning business and you can be sure His is the ultimate leaving nothing unclean.

The Apostle Paul explains, “Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost.” (Titus 3:5 KJV.)

When God says, “Let’s clean out your life today,” trust Him to do a thorough job.

James L. Snyder is an award winning author and popular columnist living with his wife, Martha, in Ocala, Florida and can be contacted at jamessnyder2@att.net.

When I was a teenager, we used to take our annual holidays in Italy and my mum insisted my father drive non-stop through France rather than risk another horrifying encounter with a French pissoir. I don’t know if you have ever tried to hold your bladder in for four hours in a car travelling at speeds in excess of 120 miles an hour, but it may explain why my mother had the thigh muscles of an Olympic athlete. Those of you who have never been to France may think my mother was a bit picky, but then you’ve probably never had to squat over a smelly hole in the ground whilst clinging for dear life to two rusty, iron chains in a damp cellar, illuminated by a single light bulb dangling from the ceiling that had last been changed during the German occupation forty years earlier, while a cadaverous male attendant reeking of garlic politely enquires if you would like another sheet of newspaper.

Toilets may have improved a bit since then (though not in France), but taking a pee is still fraught with more unseen dangers for us girls than exploring the uncharted rain forests of the Amazon.

The first thing my mother taught me was to grab a handful of toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she’d carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Lesson two was learning to assume ‘The position’. This required carefully balancing over the toilet in a squatting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. The flaw in this strategy was that by the time I was ready to pee, my thigh muscles had given up the struggle, I’d overbalance, land heavily on the seat and the trickle of wetness down the inside of my leg meant we’d have to go home to change my knickers.

That was a long time ago. Even now, in my forties, ‘The Position’ is excruciatingly difficult to maintain for more than thirty seconds, especially when one’s bladder is bursting.

If that wasn’t bad enough, when you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of anxious women have got there before you, which makes you think you must have taken a wrong turning and stumbled across a half-price sale of M&S underwear. So, you wait, trying not to look as if you’re squeezing your legs together and smile politely at all the other women, who are also trying not to cross their legs and smiling through clenched teeth.

As you get closer to your goal, you start checking for feet under cubicle doors. Naturally every one is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter; you have long arms and tell yourself: ‘I’ll just keep one hand against it.’ At this point you would hang your handbag on the coat hook if there was onebut there isn’tso you hang it around your neck whilst glancing furtively about to make sure no one saw you commit such a dreadful faux pas. You could put it on floor, but given that the floors in public toilets are invariably wet, you might just as well pee in it yourself.

Finally, you yank down your knickers, and assume the dreaded ‘Position’.

Ahhhh, relief. More relief. But then your thighs begin to shake, not helped by the fact that your left arm is stretched to its fullest extent trying to keep the door shut. You’d love to sit down but you didn’t have time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper down, so you hold ‘The Position’ as a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale travels through your aching thighs. To take your mind off the pain, you reach for what you now discover is an empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying: “Darling, if you’d cleaned the seat first, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!”

Your thigh muscles are seconds away from snapping like old knicker elastic. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterdaythe one that’s in your handbag, which you cannot unzip because you only have one free hand. So you take your hand off the door and scrabble about in your bag until you find a ball of paper that would barely cover a gnat’s arse. You smooth it out and fluff it up, but it is still only slightly larger than your thumbnail. At this point someone pushes open the door because you’ve taken your hand away to open your bag. The door hits your handbag, which thumps you in the chest and you and your bag topple backward against the toilet cisternwhich is disconcertingly wet.

“Occupied!” you scream, as you slam the door shut, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue on the wet floor and parking your naked bum directly on the odious toilet seat. You recoil instantly, knowing only too well the damage is done. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ on the planet because YOU never laid down toilet paper on the filthy seatnot that there was any, even if you had bothered to look. You may even have contracted a sexually transmitted diseaseor worse, been impregnated by some adventurous sperm that escaped from the disgusting slut who sat on the seat before you, and has been patiently biding its time waiting for its next victim.

You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you’re certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat in her life. By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water to rival Niagara Falls that sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of having your bottom dragged off to Australia.

At that point, you give up. Your skirt is soaked by the splashing water, your blouse is sticking to your back, there’s pee running down your legs and your expensive Aubade knickers look like the cat’s been sleeping in them. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe yourself with a crumpled bus ticket you found in your pocket, and slink out inconspicuously to the washbasins, but not before laddering your tights on the broken door latch which you now discover has a bloody great nail sticking out of it.

You can’t work out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wash your hands with liquid soap (most of which ends up on your blouse) and dry them under the hot air blower because, of course, there are no paper towels in the dispensers. Have you ever tried drying liquid soap with hot air? Ten minutes later you stumble out and shuffle past the queue of waiting women, still cross-legged and, at this point, you no longer care that your manic grimace is met with disapproving stares.

Just when you thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse, one kind soul at the very end of the queue points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the river Nile! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You rip the paper from your shoe, shove it in the woman’s hand and tell her cattily, “Hereyou might need this.”

As you leave the house of horrors, you spot your husband loitering impatiently outside, having long since entered, used and left the men’s toilets and read a copy of Gone with the Wind whist waiting for you.
The icing on the cake will be when he asks: “What took you so long, darling, and why is your skirt tucked into the back of your knickers?” Silently you curse the bitch who pointed out the toilet paper stuck to your shoe, but omitted to mention that your bum has been on display to every pervert in the place.

Male readers will now know not only why women take so long to powder their noses, but also why we always go to the toilet in pairs. It’s so the other woman can hold the door shut and pass you the toilet paper under the door.

Elizabeth Goodchilde is a freelance writer, TV script writer and lifestyle consultant from Hampshire, in England. Elizabeth’s work has been published extensively both online and in print. She is married with two gorgeous children and several pedigree cats. She is also an infrequent contributor to one of the UK’s most highly regarded satire and humor ezines, http://www.utterpants.co.uk for whom she writes under several different pseudonyms.
She can be contacted via utterpants or directly at: lizziegoodchilde@yahoo.com

Dunk tanks are fun at festivals and can rise a lot of money. Most dunk tanks are so easy to set up it only takes one person and it is easy to maintain and operate one as well. Obviously, the person will fall when a lever is hit and they will fall into water hence the name “Dunk tank”.

You will see a lot of these at certain carnivals, fairs, or festivals. Think about all the money you can make from a dunk tank. If you charge $2.00 a person to dunk the person dangling above the water, you should be able to make at least $240.000 dollars. To come up with that figure, you will have two people throw per minute (it doesn’t take that long to throw a couple balls or whatever)

Many times, you will notice that dunk tanks will involve some local celebrities like the mayor or news anchor. With involving local officials or celebrities, you will most likely more money and you’ll generate a lot of interest and excitement. This could even be part of charity if you are raising money for a local issue or charity like the Red Cross.

It works even better for charity donations because people are likely to try it for a charity for non-charity reasons.
Course the season for dunk tanks are in the summer, but for indoor events, it maybe just as successful. You will be surprised at how many people would love to try to dunk someone they know or even some annoying guy. Everyone’s been at the fair where the guy in the tank yells rude things out or says inappropriate things. This is so it will get people fired up and tries to hit the target and sink the loser. Could you imagine owning one?

Think about all the possibilities if you were to purchase a dunk tank. You could rent it out to various places and collect some money off of it, or you could even be hired by some local officials to run your dunk booth at a fair or celebration. You could make a couple thousand in just one week from the booth. All you need is to have at least have twenty people try it out in ten minutes. It could be entrepreneur opportunity because you would be working for yourself and it wouldn’t take up that much time. It can make you a lot of extra money during the summer months. If you think about it, all the kiddies would want to play and with some tricks of your own, like having the person making comments to those walking by, you will have dozens of people walking by.

You can purchase a dunk tank for your own use or for a business opportunity at many places and you should be able to find some discounts in prices if you search online. It is a great opportunity to own your own dunk tank because you will have a fun and interesting side job and the job that you will be making a lot of extra cash.